Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Fear and Joy

I know I ain't been on here very much.  There's been too many things going on.  All of the things that made me busy have been making me not post.  Well, it ain't that simple.  In reality, all of those things have give me a reason to be stressed.  What is stress?  Why do we get it?  I've had several converstations with friends about this stress that has been poured on myself.  Most of it goes like this.... "I fear that............... willl happen and ............................. ain't gonna happen.  So, I pretty much convinced myself and still got a few ideas that going to Korea is not the best idea.  However, I'm also convinced that this is what God has for me. 

So, I keep a prayin' that this move will be as good as the last.  The Cold Hard Town was that indeed.  However, the blessings were far above what one might expect from a lame fishing town with drunk people everywhere.  I'z a scared to go to the doctor recently for fear that they'd reject my application based on health reasons.  I almost didn't sleep enough which made me fighting mad.  They ain't a good reason in the world for me to not sleep well.  I do believe that there's less of a reason to be affraid of my health.  The doctor give me more than a clean bill of health and sent me a screamin' out the doctor's office.  There was something in me that wanted a problem.  I don't know what that is.  I hate it.  I want things to go well and I want them to mess up.  Perhaps, that's how I stay so happy all of the time.  LOL

The joy that God has give me in the last 7 months is far beyond whatever I've accepted before.  I am usually able to get that Jesus does what He wants and that is good for me.  I'm not sure who or what stoled it from me.  I'm pretty sure that it was my own doing.  I somehow took from myself what God give me and then decided to not see it.  The scary thing is that I was not angry about this stuff.  It was just life.  I hope that I don't never turn down that road again.  I need to know that know that my joy is not from myself and was not produced by what I do and was not created by my mind or my actions.  That ain't easy!

I'll keep a truckin' down this road and see where it leads.  This is certainly not a road that I could have come up with my-own-self.  I promise.  I could have never made up my life.  It is so random and continues to be twisting and turning faster than I can even know which direction I am going in.  If you been able to read this entire rant... I give props! Peace out!

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