I'm a torn person. I want this and want that which leads to not wanting this or that. I want to live in odd places. I like living in odd places. After some time, I start to feelin' like I don't wanna live in those places. Arrr. I want to live in Detroit, yet I don't wanna live here. I am content serving donuts and then I get annoyed serving donuts. I wanna find another church and then I don't want to find another church. I wanna go on vacation and then I decide I'd rather spend time here. Why????????
Yesterday I sit on a chair for several hours looking at jobs. I never applied for a one. Why?? It takes so long to fill out these stupid applications and then I never hear anything back. I've decided that I'm here because that is where I am supposed to be. I could change it, but it wouldn't do any good. I'd be brought back here at some point. I made the very very difficult decision to leave my job in the cold hard town just to wanna go back. So, here is sit again in front of the computer. I ain't doing anything constructive. The car needs washed and the clothes needs to be folded, but here is sit.
I'm just eager to find out what the next few months brings. I have no idea what it will be. I'd like to go to a cold bright place where the sun shines and the birds sing. However, I am quite sure that it will be some place else. First I have to get my eyes fixed. I'm a scared more than anybody knows, but I hear it is worth it. Perhaps I'll be able to see the world in a more brighter way.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
More Time
It seems to me that I have way too much time. I worked so much up there in the cold hard town that I became used to it. Now, I ain't got a real job and the days seem long. I can't say that I'm bored. They's too much to do. I remember listening to people who didn't work say, "I'm so busy." It used to kill me. What were they thinking? Now I know that they were busy doing other important things. Stuff needs done no matter if you have a 'job' or not.
The more time I'm away from the cold hard town, I miss it. There are more things about the place that bother me than those that I really like. It ain't like I can change the annoying things. They just are what they are. Knowing every single person who you might pass at the grocery store is annoying to me. I wanna be in a place where I don't know everyone. Knowing some people is good, but not every single one. Putting a diet pop in the buggy and having 3 people mention it the next day is an odd feeling. Why do they care? What do I miss? I miss the people that are so real. You know if someone is a jerk or not there within a few times of chatting it up. There is much less pretending because you can't there. Everything is in the open. People in the cities needs to learn how to do that. Just be real!!
I need more time to find a job before I'm jobless. It certainly ain't fun to be jobless. I mean... I have a lame job, but it is far too lame to make a living. Time slips by so fast and every day an opportunity goes away. I know that if I keep a lookin', I'll find something cool. Who knows what's next?
Time without a shower in your house is very annoying. I 'need' a shower every single day. It makes the whole day work out better for me. I don't feel nasty! Who wants that? Hopefully, time will fix this. I will make more of an effort to post more often. It has been a long time since I last wrote.
The more time I'm away from the cold hard town, I miss it. There are more things about the place that bother me than those that I really like. It ain't like I can change the annoying things. They just are what they are. Knowing every single person who you might pass at the grocery store is annoying to me. I wanna be in a place where I don't know everyone. Knowing some people is good, but not every single one. Putting a diet pop in the buggy and having 3 people mention it the next day is an odd feeling. Why do they care? What do I miss? I miss the people that are so real. You know if someone is a jerk or not there within a few times of chatting it up. There is much less pretending because you can't there. Everything is in the open. People in the cities needs to learn how to do that. Just be real!!
I need more time to find a job before I'm jobless. It certainly ain't fun to be jobless. I mean... I have a lame job, but it is far too lame to make a living. Time slips by so fast and every day an opportunity goes away. I know that if I keep a lookin', I'll find something cool. Who knows what's next?
Time without a shower in your house is very annoying. I 'need' a shower every single day. It makes the whole day work out better for me. I don't feel nasty! Who wants that? Hopefully, time will fix this. I will make more of an effort to post more often. It has been a long time since I last wrote.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Distance Time and Place
I find myself thinking about these three things. I just can't help from thing of them. I am stuck sometimes. My mind might drift, but it comes right back where it started. Distance is the one thing that I can come to grips with myownself. I understand it. I know that if I am far from someone, I ain't gonna see them. It is crystal clear. It first hit me when I went to Quebec for the first time in high school. I'z there for just one month and then gone. I knew right then that I wadn't gonna see most of them people again. It was before facebook and e-mail had come out, but I was not really into technology and I seen it as a bothersome thing to even try and stay in contact with people. They's 3 or 4 that I kept in contact with , but the distance between us was the first thing that kept us apart. Now, I'm away from everyone. There's 2,200 people here. I bet they's that many people within walking distance of my house back home. What a difference!!
Time goes by and time goes by. There's some people that dies and some more that are born. Time lets me improve and time allows me to not do what I could have because of my laziness. Time apart from people often lets people start to driftin'. They may not drift because the people want to drift, but they drift because time passes. I can't think of many lines that anyone has ever said to me that I 'member word for word. I do remember 'There's no such thing as quality time spent with people. All time spent together is quality." That's more truer than anything that anyone has ever said. It's been time since I last wrote a blog. Time passes. So much happens. I can't even begin to write down all of the things that I've experienced. Just know that this place is very very very much like all places and very very very unlike all other places. I've never passed an amount of time anywhere that has showed me more about more.
Why do I get attached to places so quickly? I like my seat at church, my kitchen table and so many other unnamed places. Places remind me of times spent with people. I love doing new things and then get pissed at myself for being selfish for allowing time and distance to separate me from those people. If I'z to leave this place, I'd miss it. I will leave at some point. I'll travel a distance farther than most people has ever traveled. Then, despite doing such a cool thing, I'll feel bad for what I can't control on the other side of the world. The places with no food, shelter, transportation and clean water are a place too. It's places like this that keep my mind a thinkin'. I can do little or nothing to change most things. I'm stuck. If I go, I'll again be stuck. It might sound as if this is a depressed ranting. It ain't. These are just some realities of life. Actually, I'm pretty content.
Time goes by and time goes by. There's some people that dies and some more that are born. Time lets me improve and time allows me to not do what I could have because of my laziness. Time apart from people often lets people start to driftin'. They may not drift because the people want to drift, but they drift because time passes. I can't think of many lines that anyone has ever said to me that I 'member word for word. I do remember 'There's no such thing as quality time spent with people. All time spent together is quality." That's more truer than anything that anyone has ever said. It's been time since I last wrote a blog. Time passes. So much happens. I can't even begin to write down all of the things that I've experienced. Just know that this place is very very very much like all places and very very very unlike all other places. I've never passed an amount of time anywhere that has showed me more about more.
Why do I get attached to places so quickly? I like my seat at church, my kitchen table and so many other unnamed places. Places remind me of times spent with people. I love doing new things and then get pissed at myself for being selfish for allowing time and distance to separate me from those people. If I'z to leave this place, I'd miss it. I will leave at some point. I'll travel a distance farther than most people has ever traveled. Then, despite doing such a cool thing, I'll feel bad for what I can't control on the other side of the world. The places with no food, shelter, transportation and clean water are a place too. It's places like this that keep my mind a thinkin'. I can do little or nothing to change most things. I'm stuck. If I go, I'll again be stuck. It might sound as if this is a depressed ranting. It ain't. These are just some realities of life. Actually, I'm pretty content.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
So Sure
I've not been writing much in the last few weeks. Being on break would seem to be a time when writing would happen more. Well, that didn't happen. You might ask, "What did happen?"
I guess I become sick the day after school let out. I'z able to make it a couple of days when I was sure that I'd be healthy for the whole vacation. I was excited to have the first at home vacation with nothing 'planned' since high school. I was in a group of people who organized a local festival, so they's more than enough of events to attend. Just as this festival ended, a group of three guys from the biggest church in Alaska came to the DLG Christian Youth Center. I've been drug onto the board. They ain't nobody else to do it. At least...., that is how I viewed it when I started to workin' there.
The days seemed to come and go so fast. I layed in bed in the morning most of the 14 days off barely able to get out of bed. My head was a hurtin' and my throat hurt unlike none other. I 'member thinking that I couldn't even make me some oatmeal in the morning. I drug myself out of bed and done what needed to be done in order to raise funds for the youth center. We worked so hard making homemade pretzels, pizzas, pudding, burritos, nachos and countless other foods and drinks. The leaders come together and worked despite our shortcomings. I was so unsure if it was worth all of the preparation. However, I realized after 2 long nights of selling things at events that all of our planning was well worth the effort. I was somehow now sick while I was serving. However, it quickly hit me when we finished. It was busy. The biggest event of the town was certainly in front of me.
Then the festival came to a end and I remained sick. My throat was still a hurtin' and my chest, throat and neck went to hurtin' unlike none other. I had the cold that was unstoppable. Then the team arrived. They had no idea even 3 days before that they'd end up in DLG. They were supposed to go to Costa Rica. There was a point when they was so sure that they'd be there. However, they ended up here. I tried my best to be there as much at the youth center despite my sickness. They cleaned the basement out, covered the broken windows, patched the holes in the walls, cooked, cut wood, organized the office and basement, painted doors and many other things. Our leaders at the youth center had never met them. Most of all, they taught and hung out with the kids.
I was in a small group yesterday when we read a question about when the last time was that we were sure that the Holy Spirit was present. I was shocked at how easily I had an answer. I am so sure that He was active in our lives. The kids were greatly impacted by the team. They spent only about 15 hours with them, but it impacted them greatly. I am so sure how God can work within people. I was almost unable to work during this time. They's kids' lives that changed through such a small yet enormous visit. They seen clearly that there was no other reason for the visit other than the Gospel. It's been a while since I been so sure of this. However, it is what it is!!
I guess I become sick the day after school let out. I'z able to make it a couple of days when I was sure that I'd be healthy for the whole vacation. I was excited to have the first at home vacation with nothing 'planned' since high school. I was in a group of people who organized a local festival, so they's more than enough of events to attend. Just as this festival ended, a group of three guys from the biggest church in Alaska came to the DLG Christian Youth Center. I've been drug onto the board. They ain't nobody else to do it. At least...., that is how I viewed it when I started to workin' there.
The days seemed to come and go so fast. I layed in bed in the morning most of the 14 days off barely able to get out of bed. My head was a hurtin' and my throat hurt unlike none other. I 'member thinking that I couldn't even make me some oatmeal in the morning. I drug myself out of bed and done what needed to be done in order to raise funds for the youth center. We worked so hard making homemade pretzels, pizzas, pudding, burritos, nachos and countless other foods and drinks. The leaders come together and worked despite our shortcomings. I was so unsure if it was worth all of the preparation. However, I realized after 2 long nights of selling things at events that all of our planning was well worth the effort. I was somehow now sick while I was serving. However, it quickly hit me when we finished. It was busy. The biggest event of the town was certainly in front of me.
Then the festival came to a end and I remained sick. My throat was still a hurtin' and my chest, throat and neck went to hurtin' unlike none other. I had the cold that was unstoppable. Then the team arrived. They had no idea even 3 days before that they'd end up in DLG. They were supposed to go to Costa Rica. There was a point when they was so sure that they'd be there. However, they ended up here. I tried my best to be there as much at the youth center despite my sickness. They cleaned the basement out, covered the broken windows, patched the holes in the walls, cooked, cut wood, organized the office and basement, painted doors and many other things. Our leaders at the youth center had never met them. Most of all, they taught and hung out with the kids.
I was in a small group yesterday when we read a question about when the last time was that we were sure that the Holy Spirit was present. I was shocked at how easily I had an answer. I am so sure that He was active in our lives. The kids were greatly impacted by the team. They spent only about 15 hours with them, but it impacted them greatly. I am so sure how God can work within people. I was almost unable to work during this time. They's kids' lives that changed through such a small yet enormous visit. They seen clearly that there was no other reason for the visit other than the Gospel. It's been a while since I been so sure of this. However, it is what it is!!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
A Bit Much
It is finally time to take a break from work. I've worked since I got to the cold hard town ever bit of 55 hours a week plus. I put in time at school and I've took two classes of my own. There's just a sea of papers that waits for me all of the time. I did right close to nothing today at work with the idea that tonight would be jammed packed full of tasks.
First, I left school to go down to the university for my class. I only managed to stay there for half of my class. I knew that I was supposed to be somewhere else halfway through the class. I just signed out of the online class and walked to an event at the elementary school. You see.... this festival has consumed me in most ways for the last month or so. I've went to several meetings and made pretzels and pizzas until I couldn't see right no more. Trying to plan and plan and plan what people might buy for snacks at a talent show ain't usually what I do for fun. They's 1/10th of the town there. With 10 helpers a workin' we wadn't able to keep up with the sales. There was kids walking up to us with a few dollars pointing and adults trying to keep their clan happy with a purchase of a pop. Keep in mind, almost everything we sold was hand-made. Lots of work.
When we left, there was a blizzard a blowin' unlike I've ever seen in my life. I was almost unable to carry a menu board across the parking lot while I was loading things into the cars. I hollered that I'd be right out and they left. I was stuck in a blizzard. I couldn't see 3 feet in front of me. I went to walking without a clear idea of where home was. I knew it wasn't far since I live just across the street. Just as I approached the road, a car stopped and an older Yu'pik man offered a ride. I told him that I only live across the street. Wow!
I got here and got some food from another festival meal over at the bingo hall. I never dreamt that they's more that was going to happen. The phone rung and the cold hard town had bad news. Here I sit in the living room of my friend. They just went to find someone in the cold hard town who was having a cold hard night a bit far off in the vast tundra. Times are tough for some here. Selling a pizza or two don't seem like it solves much. However, they's so many problems that needs help. Forget the papers that I grade and forget the rest. The phone rings too much here. I know that other people I know have felt the same way back home. Too much sometimes is a bit much for people. Pain and bad news seems to follow us all.
First, I left school to go down to the university for my class. I only managed to stay there for half of my class. I knew that I was supposed to be somewhere else halfway through the class. I just signed out of the online class and walked to an event at the elementary school. You see.... this festival has consumed me in most ways for the last month or so. I've went to several meetings and made pretzels and pizzas until I couldn't see right no more. Trying to plan and plan and plan what people might buy for snacks at a talent show ain't usually what I do for fun. They's 1/10th of the town there. With 10 helpers a workin' we wadn't able to keep up with the sales. There was kids walking up to us with a few dollars pointing and adults trying to keep their clan happy with a purchase of a pop. Keep in mind, almost everything we sold was hand-made. Lots of work.
When we left, there was a blizzard a blowin' unlike I've ever seen in my life. I was almost unable to carry a menu board across the parking lot while I was loading things into the cars. I hollered that I'd be right out and they left. I was stuck in a blizzard. I couldn't see 3 feet in front of me. I went to walking without a clear idea of where home was. I knew it wasn't far since I live just across the street. Just as I approached the road, a car stopped and an older Yu'pik man offered a ride. I told him that I only live across the street. Wow!
I got here and got some food from another festival meal over at the bingo hall. I never dreamt that they's more that was going to happen. The phone rung and the cold hard town had bad news. Here I sit in the living room of my friend. They just went to find someone in the cold hard town who was having a cold hard night a bit far off in the vast tundra. Times are tough for some here. Selling a pizza or two don't seem like it solves much. However, they's so many problems that needs help. Forget the papers that I grade and forget the rest. The phone rings too much here. I know that other people I know have felt the same way back home. Too much sometimes is a bit much for people. Pain and bad news seems to follow us all.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Smelt Smelt
Today was a totally random yet not so random day. I decided that I should sleep in and hope for a ride to church from somebody. I had told my usual ride that they wasn't no way I was going to wake up 2 1/2 hours early in order to get to church. I woke up at a reasonable time and noticed that my eye was a hurtin' unlike I have ever felt in my life. It felt as if somebody was a gonna push my eye clear out of my head with a fork. Not a good thing! My friends came and we rode to church.
Church was very interesting with several odd things concerning one not so interesting churchgoer. He was a rantin and a ravin about nonsense as I walked through the door. I found my way to a nice piece of strawberry cake and sit down. The not so perfected music started and the people went to singin songs that were right on in every way. I like how I can look back on the service and remember how people just sung from where it matters rather than how perfect the 'band' was. There's something to be said for that.
I went on to a friend's house. We decided to go on snowmachines and do some smelt fishing. I didn't have no license so I wadn't able to fish. We took off into the tundra on the snow-go at 60 mph or so. I felt as if my nose was going to freeze off. My goggles pushed my glasses and my hands were cold despite my well worn gloves. I seen the most beautifulest mountains, sky and snow I ever seen in my life. When we got to the ice fishing spot I caught a smell of smelt. They smelt like a box of veggies that were a few days old. They's about 15 of us that went including a newborn and two young'uns less than 5 years old. Only one kid caught one smelt. We went home cold and hungry. The ride home was much colder than the 37 degree ride out. I bet the temperature had went down a good 10 or so degrees. This was a day that I could have never smelt from a mile away.
Church was very interesting with several odd things concerning one not so interesting churchgoer. He was a rantin and a ravin about nonsense as I walked through the door. I found my way to a nice piece of strawberry cake and sit down. The not so perfected music started and the people went to singin songs that were right on in every way. I like how I can look back on the service and remember how people just sung from where it matters rather than how perfect the 'band' was. There's something to be said for that.
I went on to a friend's house. We decided to go on snowmachines and do some smelt fishing. I didn't have no license so I wadn't able to fish. We took off into the tundra on the snow-go at 60 mph or so. I felt as if my nose was going to freeze off. My goggles pushed my glasses and my hands were cold despite my well worn gloves. I seen the most beautifulest mountains, sky and snow I ever seen in my life. When we got to the ice fishing spot I caught a smell of smelt. They smelt like a box of veggies that were a few days old. They's about 15 of us that went including a newborn and two young'uns less than 5 years old. Only one kid caught one smelt. We went home cold and hungry. The ride home was much colder than the 37 degree ride out. I bet the temperature had went down a good 10 or so degrees. This was a day that I could have never smelt from a mile away.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Seeds of Life
I've been spending the last couple days communicating with this one and that one back home. I got a text from my sister that said that my mom was going back to the hospital. I didn't think too much about it. I give it about 10 seconds thought. It ain't like she hadn't spent the last week there. I figured that it was more of the same thing. However, it wadn't so simple. I guess that she ate some pie during the day that she was out of the hospital. Well, they's a ton of seeds in the strawberry pie and those tiny little seeds set in the most smallest of places in her digestive path. Not good! She ate that and about 24 hours after, she felt as if she was about to die. Within 36 hours she was in surgery to remove all that those seeds had done.
I find seeds to be some of the most interesting things that God ever made. They can be put in the ground and grow up to be a huge redwood tree. I guess that they can find theirselves in a tiny little hole and cause hell inside someone. I never dreamt that something like that could happen so fast. It sure don't take too long for a tiny seed to cause such a problem, yet it takes hundreds of years for a tiny seed to grow into a huge tree.
I been a thinkin' about seeds a whole lot lately. I guess the most smallest thing really can cause the best or worst things in our lives. I wonder why this is possible. If this is done, then that will happen. The rules of cause and effect are very interesting. Hopefully, life will take some good turns for me and some others that I know. Why does people get the chance to plant seeds even if they will not sprout? What about them seeds that grow to be redwoods? I don't know!
I find seeds to be some of the most interesting things that God ever made. They can be put in the ground and grow up to be a huge redwood tree. I guess that they can find theirselves in a tiny little hole and cause hell inside someone. I never dreamt that something like that could happen so fast. It sure don't take too long for a tiny seed to cause such a problem, yet it takes hundreds of years for a tiny seed to grow into a huge tree.
I been a thinkin' about seeds a whole lot lately. I guess the most smallest thing really can cause the best or worst things in our lives. I wonder why this is possible. If this is done, then that will happen. The rules of cause and effect are very interesting. Hopefully, life will take some good turns for me and some others that I know. Why does people get the chance to plant seeds even if they will not sprout? What about them seeds that grow to be redwoods? I don't know!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)